Family Support - You're Not Alone

In this episode of Breaking the Stigma, we turn the focus to the people often affected but less often heard - families.

Hosted by Jacqueline Stewart from the ADP Support Team, this episode features Angela Robertson, Chief Executive of Alcohol and Drug Support South West Scotland (ADSSWS), Elizabeth McColm, who works within the Being There family support service, and Sarah, who shares her experience of supporting a loved one.

Together, they explore the real impact that drugs and alcohol can have on families, emotionally, practically, and day to day. 

The conversation highlights the challenges families face, the importance of feeling heard and supported, and how services like Being There  provide vital help across Dumfries and Galloway.

With a mix of professional insight and lived experience, this episode offers reassurance, understanding and practical guidance for anyone supporting someone affected by substance use.

Whether you are a parent, partner, friend, or working within services, this episode is a reminder that you are not alone, and that support is available for families too.

Because when one person is affected, so are many others.

For more information and local support, visit dgadp.co.uk.

For Alcohol & Drug Support South West Scotland https://www.adssws.co.uk/

For Being There Family Support: https://www.adssws.co.uk/being-there/

Produced by Your Fairy Podmother®️www.fairypodmother.co.uk

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

This is Breaking the Stigma, a podcast from Dumfries and Galloway ADP. If drugs or alcohol have affected you, your family, your work, or your community, this podcast is here to help. Each episode covers a different part of the picture, from people's rights and family support to recovery and more. These conversations are designed to inform, support, and connect people to the right help. Hi everyone, thank you for tuning in. I'm Jacqueline Stewart, the development officer for the Alcohol and Drug Support Team. Substance use doesn't just affect individuals, it impacts whole families. And today we're exploring those experiences, the challenges, and the support that can make a difference. If you're supporting someone through substance use or know someone who is, this conversation is for you. First, let's go around the room and introduce our special guests. Angela, I'll come to you first. Can you introduce yourself, please?

SPEAKER_01 0:53

Hi, I'm Angela Roberts and I'm the Chief Executive of Alcohol and Drug Support South West Scotland, and we deliver the Being There Specialist Family Support Group in Dunfrezen Galloway. Thanks, Angela.

SPEAKER_02 1:07

And speaking of being there, Elizabeth, I'll come to you next, please.

SPEAKER_03 1:11

Hi, I am Elizabeth McComb and I am one of the Being There team with ADS. So work with Angela and Mauragan Aileen that and Janice that is our manager.

SPEAKER_02 1:24

Thank you, Lisbeth. And Sarah, I'll let you introduce yourself.

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Hi, my name's Sarah. I'm attending the Being There support group as I have a loved one who's suffering from substance misuse.

SPEAKER_02 1:36

Great. Thank you all. Welcome. It's brilliant to have you all here. Sarah, it's fantastic to have you here to help us understand the family perspective. When a family member is navigating a loved one's substance use, what would you say are the biggest challenges?

SPEAKER_00 1:50

From my experience, I would say the biggest challenge for me has been the lack of understanding on my part. But that comes from a lot of uncertainty, and there's a lot of untruths that are told by your loved one. And it's really difficult to try and navigate what is to be believed and what is a complete story. There was obviously lots of stigma around substance misuse. And you know, certainly for a time, quite a long time, many years, I felt quite embarrassed and didn't want to speak to anybody about it. There were certain people that didn't know our situation. I found it really difficult to talk about. And even within my own family, it wasn't really something that was talked about a lot. We just went from day to day with things. And yeah, if there was major issues happened, then of course there would be conversations around it, but it wasn't really spoken about in the way that it could have maybe helped prevent further things from going on. I think it was really difficult not knowing who to speak to and where to get support. It took me many years to try and figure that out. I didn't think that there was anywhere for families to get support. I knew there was lots of support for the individual with the substance issues, but I didn't actually realise that there was anywhere for family members to go. And also it's been very stressful on myself and my family, our married husband, children, and it's certainly affected that at times as well.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

Thank you for sharing that, Sarah. That sense of uncertainty, that emotional strain that really comes across. And I think it's something many families will quietly carry. And I think that leads really well. You mentioned about understanding, understanding yourself and other people understanding. Is there anything you feel that the public communities or professionals often misunderstand about families who are affected by substance use?

SPEAKER_00 3:50

I would say there's certainly evidence that I've come across that they see the person with the substance misuse problem. And sometimes people do not see past that and they don't realise that these people have families, they have loving parents, they have loving siblings, they might even have their own children. And I think certainly that comes across quite strongly for me is that they yeah, they see this one person with this issue and really don't understand the complexities around that within who else is affected by it, which is it's quite upsetting at times to come across that kind of stigma.

SPEAKER_02 4:29

That's such an important point. There's there is that gap between what people assume the individual's going through and what the families are actually going through as well day to day. And like you say, those misunderstandings can lead to stigma. Could you tell us whether you've ever experienced stigma yourself and if you're comfortable with how so and how that affected your family?

SPEAKER_00 4:48

That's a difficult one to answer. I would say yes and no to that. I think from hearing stories from my loved one and how they've been treated, it wasn't directed at me. I what maybe it wasn't there at the time, but it certainly affected me. It was very upsetting. And and although I understand society, it's not a social norm, it's not accepted in society for people to behave in certain manners. But again, it goes back to that people don't understand that these people have got loving families. What impacts that individual impacts their family too. The other side to that would be if I speak to people and tell them, I often get that same response of, but you had the same upbringing. How come you aren't that way inclined? And I think it's taken me many years because I used to ask that question all the time as well. But now I realise that actually, yes, we have the same upbringing in a sense that we were in the same family home. However, her social interactions were completely different to mine, the people that she had friendships with, or just it was just different in the social aspect. So she experienced different things to me. And I suppose some people apparently have more addictive personalities than others. So yeah, I think there's that whole how come it went so wrong for her and not for me.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

Thank you for sharing that, Sarah. Lisquith, from your professional experience, what do you see as the biggest challenges that families face when they're supporting a loved one who uses substances?

SPEAKER_03 6:26

I think to start with, I think it's as we kind of discovered, is knowing where to start, it's knowing how to get over the challenges that they have with their loved ones that's got substance abuse or alcohol use. Feeling helpless is a massive thing as well. Knowing where to go and when to put the boundaries in, what to do with boundaries, everybody's unique, everybody's different. So it's a different challenge for different people. Some people can establish right away where their priorities need to lie and where they need to start. Back to basics and where do we go with this? Where do we start with this? And it can be a simple thing as realising that they're maybe enabling their loved one. So if they can change how they do things, that can make a massive impact right away. That can be the one thing that can change and help somebody right away at the very start.

SPEAKER_02 7:20

Thanks, Lisbeth. It's really powerful hearing those experiences and how they show up with so many families. And building on that, what do you think that the public communities or other professionals often misunderstand about the experiences of families affected by substance use?

SPEAKER_03 7:35

I think unfortunately the focus tends to be on their loved one, it's on the substance user, it's not on the family member, and they're a whole family. Yes, there has to be the support for that loved one that's needing the support, but it's a bigger picture, it's seeing the bigger picture, it's seeing behind that substance user that actually they have a family that is really in need of so much support. Seeing that family member and actually listening to what they've got to say can be so powerful and it can be so helpful. It also helps the substance user because if they've got the whole family behind them, they're not on their own anymore. It works for a good outcome. So if you look at the big picture rather than just that one little thing that's happening, see the whole picture, that tends to be a massive help for the families.

SPEAKER_02 8:31

Such an important point, and it really builds on what Sarah was saying, and it really shapes how how supported families feel, making sure that they're included and they're recognised. And as we discuss stigma is often a part of that. Have you observed stigma directed towards families affected by substance use? And how do you feel this impacts them?

SPEAKER_03 8:51

Again, unfortunately, yes, there's a massive thing around stigma. People feel judged. They they can then, because they feel judged, go into places because there's a certain area or a certain place that they go to or a named building. So if it's seen going into that building, it's like, oh, you're going in there because your family member must need support. So there's that whole thing that's around that we need to keep breaking down the barriers, keep breaking it down. Knowledge is powerful, so get people to understand why that's there. It's not just there because for the fact of the loved one needing that support, but it's massive for people to feel that they can openly walk out the door and go to where they need to go and have that support. Because if they don't, a lot of the impact on having stigma can mean that person, the family member, can be subdued, they feel alone, they don't know where to go, they they don't talk to family members, they don't talk to anybody. They can actually just feel shut off from everything because they don't know where to go and how to get how to overcome that. And eventually something maybe gives and they they find and they find that support, they find that talking to somebody can actually help and not be judged. I think that's a massive thing as well.

SPEAKER_02 10:10

Completely that ripple effect you're describing is huge, and it really can affect whether families feel able to reach out at all. Let's shift to speaking about things that can help families, looking at coping strategies and how to protect your own well-being as a family member. Sarah, let's come back to you. How can family members look after their own well-being when you're supporting someone who is struggling?

SPEAKER_00 10:33

So I would say the biggest impact to help myself has been accessing the support from being there. I would always try and take some time out for me in the past and try and do different like yoga, mindfulness classes, things like that, which were absolutely a really good source of trying to de-stress and try and help clear some headspace to to try and cope with things. But the shift for me and being able to look after myself definitely was after I accessed the being there support. So being able to talk to professionals, but also being able to talk to other families who are going through just about identical things. Um that was invaluable being able to listen to other people's stories because I was very quiet in the first couple of meetings, just taking it in. I was very reserved. I think I initially started with some phone calls with Lisbeth, and I think it must have taken me about five phone calls before I actually talked about my loved one and to say their name and to just really accept because I think it's difficult. You're once you open up, you're starting to admit, yes, there there's problems, even though there's been problems for it could have been for 20 years, it could have been for just a few months. But yeah, being being able to actually open up about it when the time was right for me was definitely the thing that's helped me the most.

SPEAKER_02 12:08

Thank you for sharing that. It's so important to hear the truth of what these journeys look like. And it can be difficult, but it can be so helpful to have that kinetic and people who really understand what you're going through. Do you feel it's helpful having healthy boundaries? Could you share an example if you do?

SPEAKER_00 12:26

Yeah, I mean, again, that was something that I felt guilty about for a long time, you know, either just saying no or for not potentially no, maybe wanting to spend time with them. That that was really difficult. And I would beat myself up about it and feel really guilty because I just I'm not that way inclined. However, speaking and getting the support and listening to their families and the benefits of being able to put up these boundaries, it's not that you're completely saying no and removing yourself. It's just about saying, I can't do that, whether it's because if it's finances, you can't afford to do that, or it's because you know that's going to be a negative impact. But I could do this and support in a different way. And just making sure that I'm happy to have say one phone call a day, because uh sometimes it could be bombarded with messages and phone calls, um, but just putting in that boundary of, you know, this is the time of day I'm going to be available, I'll speak to you then. Um yeah, so just things like that about compromise, I suppose, but making sure those boundaries are still there to support you and your loved one.

SPEAKER_02 13:36

I think that's really important, especially for protecting yourself and looking after yourself. Is there anything you wish that you'd known earlier about looking after yourself while you were supporting your loved one?

SPEAKER_00 13:46

That there was support there for us as a family. That would have been huge. I mean, I think sometimes you're just not ready to access the support. I mean, I probably did know about the support for two or three months before I actually made the call. But yeah, just knowing it was there and I was able to pick up the phone when I was ready was huge.

SPEAKER_02 14:08

Thank you, Sarah. Elizabeth, how can family members look after their own well-being while they're supporting someone who's struggling?

SPEAKER_03 14:16

I think well-being is different to everybody. I think that's what we need to remember that what we maybe think as professionals and what we think is is a good idea doesn't always work for people. So I think it's being able to listen to them and helping them achieve small goals, small steps, just changing how they look at things, just refocusing on themselves. As Sarah said, just being able to take time out, go to yoga, go to classes, just doing something that works, going out walking, anything at all, something that can just do something for half an hour in their life that they wouldn't have taken that time out before. It can make such a difference to their mental health and improve their own well-being, their own own mental health, and think, actually, that really worked for me, I'm gonna do that again. And that then, just that one week of doing something different, changing that whole attitude, changes your whole mindset and it just really improves how people work and how they operate after that. It's really important, really important.

SPEAKER_02 15:19

I think that's so important to raise that everyone's well-being is different, and there's gonna be different things that people enjoy and make you feel better or support your well-being journey. What kind of well-being support is being there able to offer?

SPEAKER_03 15:33

I think from us, I think it's what we do is we would try and listen to what the needs are of the person and get them to focus on themselves. Anything from weekly things, like I said, about walking and joining classes or whatever, but also reminding them that we do have a group session now that we can run and that they can come and talk to other members that are going through things and they're not alone. I think that's a massive thing, as Sarah's already touched on there. That knowing that there's somebody else going through similar situations to you, it doesn't take it away, it doesn't change it, but it helps to talk it through. It's helpful to understand that you're not alone, and I think that is another thing about your own well-being to know that you're not alone, that other people are going through something similar, but things in place to be able to maybe comfortably come to a point where you can say no, you can actually feel that it's okay to say, Do you know what that doesn't suit me just now? Can we try this? Can we do something else? Language is also another massive important thing. I think that when they're well-being and how people are talking, it's if you can say something in a very calm manner, it's not going to be then taken the wrong way. You're using the language that's nice and calm, nice and comforting to somebody. And I think that's a massive part as well for you yourself. Then you're not getting stressed, you're not getting upset about it, but you're also not upsetting your loved one either. So it's all about simple little things like that can make all the difference to somebody.

SPEAKER_02 17:09

Thanks, Elizabeth. And you touched on there about being able to say no, and that again comes under boundaries. Do you feel these healthy boundaries are helpful for families? And could you share an example of how this might look like in practice?

SPEAKER_03 17:22

Yeah, having healthy boundaries is so important for everybody. We talk about having a work-life balance and things like that. Everybody's the same. Doesn't matter who you are, you need to have a balance in life. So, yes, I think a simple little thing from a family member would be just, as I said, I'm using Sarah here, but as Sarah has said, just being able to say, I'm not going to do that today, or that doesn't work for me today. But putting that simple thing in that works for that family member can just make a huge impact on them for the rest of the day. It could be money-oriented and just saying, look, that's not going to work now. We're not going to do that. I'm not going to give you any cash. But the boundary could be, let's just go and do a food shop, I'll get you food for the house, or we could go to food banks, whatever it is that they need, support that person maybe to go to an appointment. They can be there in different ways, but setting these small boundaries by saying I'm not there at the end of the phone 24-7, and I've got a window of what is going to suit me today can just be enough to help. It can just make a difference. I think that's incredibly important.

SPEAKER_02 18:31

Is there anything you often find families wish they'd known earlier about maintaining their own well-being when supporting a loved one?

SPEAKER_03 18:37

Yeah, I think it kind of keeps coming back to the being able to say no, being able to actually change the wording in that and saying maybe we could do it this way today, or maybe we could change how we do that. Saying no without feeling guilty is a massive help because they take on that guilt and then they walk away feeling, okay, I've just asked you for help, so you've now got to do that. And I think if people realize that it's okay to look after themselves, it's okay to say no, and it's okay to put something else in place, that would have made a big difference for a lot of people early on. Thanks, Lisbeth.

SPEAKER_02 19:16

One of the biggest steps for families can often be reaching out for support. So let's talk about how that happens. Sarah, you mentioned a bit about your journey for reaching out for support. Was there a moment or a situation that encouraged you?

SPEAKER_00 19:29

Yeah, so unfortunately, it was at a point where I actually thought we were probably at one of the worst possible lyrics we could have reached. So I felt that my loved one was in a position where they were a vulnerable adult. And I was really concerned that potentially they were being exploited. So that gave me the courage to reach out. And I actually, the process I went through was through the public protection team, the social services, and then the public protection team had signposted the being there support group. So at that point, I thought I wasn't getting I was getting some advice from the public protection. Social services were bound by a lot and weren't able to give me much information. So I thought, well, where can I go? Because I'm really struggling. So I reached out to the Being There group at that point, which just so happens was just the best move that I I could have made.

SPEAKER_02 20:27

Thanks for that insight, Sarah. I really appreciate it. Lisbeth, is there a typical moment or a situation you feel that prompts families to seek support and what helps them to take that first step?

SPEAKER_03 20:38

Unfortunately, I think people get to the a very close point of crisis. And I think they reach that point where they realise they can no longer do this on their own. They realise that maybe actually asking for a little bit of help or support from somebody, maybe that would help. And then of course the minute that they do get that phone call, it's relief because I've had people in tears, I've had people just relieved that somebody's there to listen, somebody's there that gets what they're talking about and understands. And it's not a family member that's having a say about it, it's somebody that's impartial, it's somebody that's not judging about what's going on, it's somebody that can offer a little bit of advice if that's needed, or just listen to what they've got to say, and it has a massive impact on families, it really has a massive impact. And I would just say the sooner the better, because before it gets to a crisis point can be easier for them, and then they can maybe do a little bit more talking to their loved one and get them into support or do what they need to do to help and support everybody.

SPEAKER_02 21:42

Thanks, Lisbeth. From your perspective, is there anything families still struggle to access or find in terms of support?

SPEAKER_03 21:48

I think sometimes they just don't know where to go. So having some advice from somebody where to access things, because it's not always as easy as we think. Know where everything is to access it online and go and get it. But it's not always that easy for a family member that has absolutely no clue. Maybe it's not very online friendly, if you want to put it that way, because it's so much just seems to be online for people. So I think sometimes just go back to basics and just having a little bit of a poster up, some information that you can get, something that they can read in the doctor's surgery or something like that, can be very useful to some people because some of the older generation don't necessarily know what they're doing with the internet. So it goes across the board, though. It's everybody, it's not just it's anybody. It's to get that out there and get that word out there as much as possible in the best way that we can. So it would just be good to get it out there as much as possible.

SPEAKER_02 22:50

Thanks, Lisbeth. Let's talk about where people can go. Angela, what types of support are available to families in Dumfries and Galloway?

SPEAKER_01 22:58

We're really fortunate in Dumfries and Galloway to have a dedicated support service being there that is specifically designed to work with families affected by a loved one's alcohol or drug use. This was set up in 2019, essentially just before the first lockdown. So lots of challenges in trying to get that message out took us a while. But now, six years down the line, we're still here. When you think about the scale of problems with alcohol and drugs in Scotland, which reflect very badly on the country, much higher than in other parts of Europe and indeed the United Kingdom. For every one person was that problem. There could be eight, nine, ten family members, friends, significant others. So there's a huge unmet need there. And so delighted that our local health board and alcohol and drug partnership commissioned this special service. It works across all of Dumfries and Galloway. We have Lisbeth, who you've heard from today in the east of the region. We also have Morag covering Wheatonshire and Ailen, Calvary, Upper Niskale and Central. And the support that is offered has been described. From my point of view, what's really important is the staff have been trained in techniques that we know work. So they've all gone through a programme of training with national organizations. They use a range of tools that hopefully are making a difference. But to reiterate Elizabeth's comments, it's very much dependent on that individual family need. So that's what we have locally. Our staff can work one-to-one, and that can be face-to-face. Obviously, during the various lockdowns and delays, it was by telephone. Over time, the face-to-face has increased. But you have to be conscious of rurality and confidentiality. And some family members will only ever want to hear a voice on the end of the telephone. And if that works for them, that's great. But what has really been positive, particularly to hear from Sarah today, is the impact of meeting with other families in similar situations. And sharing that load, you are not alone. Overcoming these boundaries and that stigma, that's a very, very welcome thing for Dumfries and Galloway. And it's certainly taken off in increase. But in time, we're developing slowly but surely across the region. So that's the local service. We work very closely with the National Family Support Service, which is Scottish families affected by alcohol or drugs, SPAD for short. They conducted all of our training. They have fabulous resources on their website. They also have a 24-7 helpline that families can contact. If they don't know about being there, if they phone SFAD, SFAD will tell them about being there. And is a simple phone call or an email. And then we can pick up the support at a local level. But SFAD is great. I think sadly, the other thing that SFAD have to do, and this is set against a background in increasing drug steps across Scotland, alcohol obviously as well, SFAD also delivers a specialist bereavement counselling service for family members who unfortunately, dreadfully, find themselves in the position being bereaved. So although our being there staff can also work in a day-to-day supported manner, and families, as you said, can support one another, that very specialist trauma-informed psychotherapy would sit with SFAD. And you just hope that these critical services continue to be funded because we know the pressures and budgets are intense.

SPEAKER_02 26:57

Thank you, Angela. It's so important to hear more about being there and also SFAD about that national support that's available. If there's a family member listening right now, needing support, how is the best way for them to get in touch with being there? Very simply, pick up the telephone if you like.

SPEAKER_01 27:14

It's 0333 8806950 or send us an email being there at adsws.co.bk or contact us through the website which is just www.ads.co.vk. And as I've said, if you contact SFAD out of hours or any time during the day, they'll give you that information as well. And equally they can pass along your details to us with consent.

SPEAKER_02 27:47

That's really helpful. Making that first contact as simple as possible can make all the difference. Thank you for sharing that information. As we begin to wrap up, I'd like to take a moment to speak directly to families who might be listening today. Angela, if you could share one message with families listening today, what would that be?

SPEAKER_01 28:06

I think it's we're here for you. Inevitably, people come in crisis. We could possibly do a lot more therapeutic work with earlier intervention. So even if you think things are okay, or even if you don't think you need the support, exploring what is available through our service might just be the trigger to set you on that path.

SPEAKER_02 28:29

Thank you, Angela. And Lisbon, same question for you. If you could share one message with families listening, what would it be?

SPEAKER_03 28:36

I think my message is just you're not alone and that speaking to somebody really does help. And if it's speaking to just one of your support workers or coming to the group, just don't be afraid to try it because you won't know until you do. It's one of those things that the fear is there for people of the unknown. But once you've got over that hurdle, it just makes and turns so many lives around and helps so many people.

SPEAKER_02 29:03

Thanks, Lisbon. And Sarah, what about yourself? If you could share one message, what would it be? You're gonna think I'm copying.

SPEAKER_00 29:10

Because you know, Angela and Elizabeth have said it already. I mean, just ask for the support early. Don't wait till you're in that crisis and trust your instincts. Some people think, and I certainly was that person that thought, maybe I'm overthinking things, maybe it's not too bad, maybe it isn't really this. But trust your instinct. If you've got that gut feeling and you feel like you you don't know quite who to speak to, then the being there support for families is, as I said before, it's invaluable. It's absolutely changed my life and being able to have coping strategies and being able to support my family as well. So, yeah, just reach out, get the support early if you can, and you're not on your own with this.

SPEAKER_02 30:02

Those are really powerful messages. Thank you all for sharing that, and I think it will resonate with a lot of people listening. Thank you all for taking the time to share your insights and experiences today. It has been such an important conversation. Today we've talked about the challenges that families face, the impact of stigma, ways to look after your own well-being, and so important how to access that support. If you were listening and you or someone you know is affected, as all our ladies have said, please remember you are not alone and support is available. As a family member, you deserve support in your own right and don't hesitate to reach out to services like being there. Thank you for listening. Thanks for listening to Breaking the Stigma from Dumfries and Galloway ADP. For support and information, visit cgadp.co.uk. Take care.